Brother is so Funny

My older brother has kept me laughing my entire life. Today is no different. He called me and actually said, "I thought I'd give you something funny to write in your blog about your brother." He doesn't even have internet, and he wanted me to post about his incident.

This last week his cell phone quit. It happens, and like me, he really would rather chew nails than have to go get a new phone. The sales reps always try to talk us into 'upgrading' into a smart phone from the flip phones we currently use. For me, I did have smart phones once. I discovered not only was it too expensive, but the phones were smarter than we are. No thank you.

My brother went to his local cell phone store (we are the same network but I'm not endorsing the brand). They, of course, did not have an identical flip phone to the one that died so he chose another flip phone. It didn't hurt that it was the only one in the store. I've run into that myself, so I know what he was up against. The representative set it all up for him and he went on his way. Flash forward to the next day: brother is trying to take a nap. The house is completely locked up, the television is off, complete silence. All of the sudden he hears a voice calling, "Hello! Welcome...." that's when he quit listening and just went into action. He grabbed his trusty protection, a 9mm handgun, and goes after whomever has broken into his home. He sees no one, but then the voice calls out again. "Hello".

Spinning around, safety off, weapon cocked to fire, he nearly shot his "really nice television that was off and did nothing to deserve it." He heard it again. After about a minute he heard it again. "Hello, Welcome to ... network." His new phone was talking to him! Repeatedly!

After much swearing he grabbed the possessed cell phone, turned it off, and took it back. The manager reset the settings to not give verbal notifications and handed it back. Confident the problem was corrected, he handed it back. My brother set it on the counter and just stared at it.

"What are you doing?" the manager asked.

Holding up a finger, he replied, "Just wait for it."

Less than a minute later..."Hello, welcome to ...network." It had done its own reset, four times. The representative finally grabbed the phone and yanked the back off of it and removed the battery. He set it on the counter and backed away. He stared at my brother with a scared look. "What the hell was that?"

"I told you it was possessed!" my brother said.

"Well, we got another phone the same model as your old one, newer of course, over night. We'll just get you that one."

So far so good. No magic voice has haunted him from his cell phone. Ha!

A Little Help Please

"Mom, we've been driving around for hours and I'm pretty sure we've passed that tree before,"

Erica complained. "Are you sure you aren't lost?"

"Erica, I am not lost. I used to come out here every year when we visited my cousins."

"How long has it been?"

"I don't know; twenty years," her mother Monica answered.

"And you think nothing has changed in twenty years. Mom, we haven't passed any houses, towns or even signs for towns in hours. When was the last time you gassed up?"

"I have a very fuel efficient car young lady, don't worry about it," she said as the low fuel warning light came on and the familiar 'bing, bing, bing' sound came out of the dash.

"Uh, huh," Erica grunted. "I suppose we're all out of snacks too." She leaned over the back of the seat and flipped open the lid to the cooler. "Yep, hallow as my stomach."

"You just ate," Monica chided, her nails biting into her hand from gripping the steering wheel a little too tight.

"Mom, it's almost six and it's getting dark. We stopped at noon to eat at that diner and then we had salads, remember, because you didn't want me to eat all that heavy, greasy diner food and then try to ride all afternoon."

"Erica, please stop complaining. All you've done is complain since we left Cincinnati."

"You dragged me away from all of my friends in the middle of summer to go Phoenix and drove through the mountains off the main roads to get there. Did you really expect me to like it? No wonder we're lost," Erica muttered. "Dad wouldn't have gotten lost."

"That's enough, Erica. He's not here, and just for the record, your father is the first one who would have gotten lost. He can't read a road map."

"Why did we come out here again?"

"To get away from the memories," Monica answered. "Our stuff should all be moved into the new house by the time we get back." Monica pulled the car over to the side as it 'dinged' for the last time. They were out of gas and the cell phones had no signal.

Erica tilted her head down and rolled her eyes up at her mother angrily. "I told you."

"Yes, you did Erica. What was I supposed to do about it? The roads have changed and they circle around for no apparent reason. Most of them aren't even on our map. I didn't think anything of it because they never were. My cousins do still live around the area somewhere. They will look for us eventually when we don't show."

"Mom, you told them sometime this week and you would call before we arrived. They won't look for us anytime soon."

"We'll aren't you just full of sunshine?" She pulled out her cell phone and searched futilely for a signal. She shook her head and opened the car door.

"Where are going?" Erica asked.

"I'm going to see if I can find a signal outside the car or maybe see a house. Stay in the car; it gets cold out here at night."

Erica jumped out of the car. "You are not leaving me here alone, and you are not going out there alone. I don't care if you did visit once a year when you were a kid," Erica stated. "You do not know your way around. Something might get you."

"You are not the adult here Erica; I am. It's my responsibility."

"Why didn't you just send me to Canada with dad and his girlfriend when he moved? You don't really want me anyway. You just wanted to get back at dad."

Monica cried. "That is not fair. I didn't start this whole mess in motion and you know it.  He wanted to go to Canada with her and that's fine. But he is not taking you out of the country. I'd never get you back. He can visit you back home if he wants to. He is the one who called to beg off." A second later she tried to take it back, but he damage was done. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You're father loves you, he really does."

Erica wiped the tears from her face. "No, you're right. He wants her more than me. I know that. He could have stayed here near me." She sat silent for a few minutes. "You still can't go out there alone. Turn your phone off so it doesn't go dead trying to find a signal and I think we should wait to see if someone comes along. They built this road for a reason so someone must use it."

Monica shrugged and ruffed her daughter's short cut hair. "How did you get so wise?"

"I don't know." Erica pushed her ear buds into her ears and turned on her I-Pod, reclined her seat and closed her eyes.

Monica decided that wasn't a bad idea and leaned her own seat back and followed suit.

At midnight Erica shook her mother. "Wake up. I need a bathroom really bad."

Monica sat up and shook her head. "What?" She looked at her surroundings and remembered where they were. "Oh, you'll have to go beside the car of behind a tree honey. As you can see there aren't restrooms available."

"What if something gets me?"

"Scream real loud and I'll come running." Monica fished a small pen light out of her purse. "Here, use this to find your way and leave the car door open so you can find it."

A few minutes later Erica returned and Monica declared it her turn. "What? You couldn't have gone when I did?"

"Go back to sleep. You can't do anything else anyway," her mother said.

Morning came and went and no one showed. Noon came and went and still no one showed. Erica was about to forage for food or tree bark. She had heard one could eat tree bark, but her mother reminded her that she didn't which tree bark to eat, so she just sat there in the car with the windows down because it was hot and they had no water. Erica was getting more scared by the hour and Monica was ready to set out on foot again, but to find a town more than a phone signal.

Around four an old truck rattled to a stop beside the car. An old man who looked vaguely familiar to Monica stepped out. His back was stooped and he walked with a shuffle. His short cut hair showed white as snow as he removed his hat and wiped his brow.

"Looks like you've had a bit a car trouble there young lady." He said.

"Yes, I have. I'm lost and I ran out of gas," Monica answered. "Can you give a lift to the nearest town?"

"Oh, I wasn't headed to town." He reached into his truck and pulled a couple of bottles of water out of an old Styrofoam ice chest and handed one to each of them. "You look a bit parched. How long you been out here?"

"We headed out here about noon yesterday and broke down sometime around six."

"Boy, you are good and lost if you drove around that long.  I can point you in the right direction to town but you have to follow my instructions exactly or you'll get backwards again."

"Thanks, but were out of gas so it won't do a lot of good."

"Oh, right. We'll I usually keep a can in my truck just in case." He pulled a red five gallon can out of the bed of his truck and poured it into their car. "I'll bet you're hungry too." He pulled a couple of sandwiches out of the cooler and handed them to them. "It's only peanut butter, but it don't spoil out here like meat would. I always pack too much for some reason. I guess it was a good thing today."

Erica hated peanut butter but she thanked him and dug into it anyway. The old man laughed and motioned for her to wipe a smudge off her face. He drew a map for Monica and told her exactly how many roads to pass before she turned warning her that he had lived there his whole life and he knew she would get lost again if she didn't follow those directions.

She thanked him and they were on their way. He drove off ahead of them over the rise. When Monica reached to the top of the hill he was nowhere to be seen. She didn't see any side roads so she didn't know where he went.

An hour later they were in the small town where her cousin lived. She called and she met her at the McDonald's where Erica was loading up on hamburgers, fries, and soda pop.

Back at the cousin's house Monica recounted the tail of their rescue. "I swear I've seen him somewhere, but I just can't place him."

Erica wandered around the living room looking at the pictures of family members. She was very excited when she saw one of them. She pointed. "Mom, Mom, Mom," she repeated.

"What is it Erica?" she asked. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "She hasn't quite gotten the point of not interrupting people."

"Look, Mom. It's him; it's the old man who helped us."

They all got up to look. Her mother gasped and agreed. The old truck was even in the picture with him.

"That can't be," her cousin said. "Monica, Uncle Charles has been dead almost thirty years. The last time you saw him you were probably seven. His son still has that truck under a tarp in his shed."

"Did he live out there?" Monica asked.

She pointed to the map where they were stranded and her cousin nodded and told her the house was long gone, but that was where he had lived.

Erica hummed the theme to Twilight Zone.